the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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