Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
where are my eyebrows?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
