fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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