sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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