Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
