Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
