He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
