just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
