You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
