so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
