I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
