Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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