Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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