I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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