So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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