She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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