I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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