I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
