Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
