So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
