My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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