First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize