she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
