; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She's just so happy...and so naked.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
