I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
