I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
