I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
