I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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