it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
