my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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