So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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