FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
