woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Randomize
