sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
