He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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