There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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