I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
