I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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