Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Sober January is a disaster.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
