wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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