I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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