We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
