Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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