she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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