I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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