Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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