BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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