Whatcha textin bout Willis?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize