i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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