I have demons in me.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
