remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize