Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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