no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
there is glitter all over my balls
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