paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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