Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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