White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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