I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
