I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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