I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
