I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
