Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
